So...now what?

Sometimes, I hate being so cynical...

...and I try to think back and pinpoint if there was just one moment when it happened.  You know, like, if I could reverse my thinking on that one life experience, I could return to an age of innocence and naivete.  But, no, it was a series of life events and experiences with the world that changed me from the annoyingly, optimistic, glass-half-full thinker to the almost-bitter-but-not-quite-pessimist.  

Because I was Suzy Sunshine back in the day.  Always ready with a word of encouragement and looking for the rainbow through the storm clouds.  And then, I was trounced and stomped and beat up by the real world.  When you do that to someone who has always had a stubborn mind-set and a fighting spirit...it is not a long journey to the survivalist who evolves into a cynic.

And then I look at my kids and think with regret that my conversion into cynicism forever affected the way that they look at the world.  Because my road to cynicism was begun before they entered this world.   I think I wanted to protect them from the heartbreaks, painful encounters and cruel behavior that others can inflict on you.  So, in my efforts to shield them from pain, I might have given them a tougher shell than I should have.  

Once, after completing a study on spiritual gifts, when I discovered that my lowest score was in "mercy" I was a little taken aback when my pastor/friend remarked, "Well that is no surprise."  Then I began to reflect on my personality and the persona that I portrayed to the world.  I don't have much sympathy with stupidity, boorish behavior or the lack of common sense.  I am an impatient person.  I raised my kids not to cry at every little scrape or fall.  It is the way that I was raised.  But I never thought that I lacked compassion or mercy.  In truth, I'm not certain that I had ever been introspective enough to look that far into my character.  It was a little painful to realize how far from the simple innocent I had come.

There's no real point to this post.  Just an introspective moment brought on by missing my kids today.  A moment of selfish indulgence...and a little regret.