So...now what?

So, there was never any doubt for me that sustaining this blog would be a challenge.  I've already said that fear of failure is one of my biggest problems.  It's what has held me back from ever really attempting any serious writing.  I might believe I have the makings of a Mark Twain narrative inside this head...but I don't Truly trust in it.  Nevertheless, here I am again.  Bad grammar and poor punctuation be damned...I'm writing again.

What will I be when I grow up?
A few years back--when I first quit working retail--my friends and I began discussing this phase of our lives that feels so new and fresh in so many ways.  Kids have grown, left the nest and our time and obligations have slowed down a bit.  When so many years were spent cramming endless events and activities into the hours of a day, suddenly free time seems to stretch out before you with new promise.  How to fill those hours with something enjoyable, productive and fulfilling starts out as challenging and exciting.  Yet, after the conversations that my practical, logical brain holds with my creative, adventurous brain...I'm left sitting in front of a computer playing Mahjong Solitaire or in  a recliner with a Sudoku book and a collection of mechanical pencils near at hand.  I still haven't written the next great American novel.  I don't have my B & B.  I haven't scaled any mountains or swam any seas.  I'm still just me.


What happened?  


 Don't get me wrong-- I love the creative work that I am doing now with Etsy.  Finding the cast-offs and trash that others have tossed aside and breathing new life into them is fun and fulfilling for me. First, the dirt, grime and filth is removed.  Sometimes an object just has to wait until I can see what I want it to become.  Then it is primed, painted, sanded, cleaned and sealed.  Even then, if I am not happy with the final result, sometimes I repeat the whole process.  Until finally it's ready to photograph, upload, edit and list for someone else to see the beauty that I see.  Now it is useful and has purpose once again.   Finally, when someone wants my re-creation...there is joy in that for me.  


Maybe these things that I repurpose, recycle and recreate are analogies of my own life.  The catch is I feel that I have the control over them.  I can take something that is dirty, beat-up and ugly and turn it into something that looks new and beautiful again.  Something that was destined for the landfill is now attractive and useful. 


Me?  I don't have the control over the events that shape my future.  Or that's the way it feels.  Mortgage payments, car repairs, aging parents, beetles in the garden, weeds in the flower beds, trees that need trimming, a world that is too demanding...what happened to that promise of free time and fresh beginnings?  Suddenly life becomes overwhelming and dreams become distant memories.


I learned several years ago--after much head-banging and whining--that I can't have control over every aspect of my life.  I'm good with that.  God created me and I belong to Him.  I'm good with that.  Does that mean that the cleaning, priming and purifying processes that I must go through are easy?  Of course not.  Is the scheduling as I would like it?  Definitely not.  But must I trust the One who holds me in His hands as He completes His work?  Faithfully.


If I truly claim His promise in Jeremiah 29:11  "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for good and not for evil to give you a future and a hope.'"...then I have to trust the Master artisan.  I am His and He knows what is best to repurpose, recycle and recreate me into a useful and beautiful object that can serve some further purpose in this life.  And so I wait.