Okay...as I have always done, I started this year out "On fire" and then got nervous about being a failure and ran from this blog like it was on fire.  I really don't know what I expect--or even--want from this experience.  But, here I am again.  I've left my emotional security blanket behind and I'm struggling not to look back as I press on once more...




The Voice of Truth
"Oh, What I would do to have...the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone. 
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor...wishing they'd have had the strength to stand.
But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me...Reminding me of all the times 
I've tried before and failed. 
The giant keeps on telling me time and time again, 
'Boy you'll never win!  You'll never win!'
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says 'Do not be afraid!'
And the voice of truth says 'This is for my glory'
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose and listen and believe The Voice of Truth."


Thanks to Casting Crowns for the words of this song that are so moving and have meant so much to me.  I still remember the first time I put the CD in my car stereo and heard the words to this song.  It was at a moment in my life when things seemed hopeless and I had no where to turn for help...but to my Comforter and Savior.  These words brought me to tears and broke my heart for the doubts and fears that I had let creep into my life.  


My God is the creator of the universe!  Nothing is too big for HIM!  No matter the obstacles, the pain, the disappointments, the failures, the problems...HE is bigger!  No matter how alone or lost or how far down I have fallen...HE can and will reach down to me and lift me back up.  


I remember a night when I was home alone and feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders.  I had no one to turn to and no hope.  The dog forced me out of the house into the chilly night air where I suddenly began to sob uncontrollably.  I'm too much of a control freak to allow that sort of emotional display to go on for long...so I drew a deep breath and tried to gain some control of my pathetic self-pity.  As I raised my head up, breathed in the refreshing chill breeze and wiped the tears from my face I gazed up at the night sky.  It was clear and bright--filled with stars.  A softer wind caressed my face and in my heart I heard a voice, "I made all of these and yet in all the universe--you are important to me.  I know the number of hairs on your head and I created You."  


Now, don't think I'm crazy.  Those words may not even be the exact words that I heard.  The point is God reached down and reminded me of something that I knew in my heart...that was forgotten.  His Spirit gave me a peace and a comfort that I had not allowed myself to feel for a long time.  In my control-freak efforts to handle all the problems in my life, I had become overwhelmed, discouraged and depressed.  With one small gentle breeze and a view into eternity, I was reminded of my place in this world and that my Father was the creator of it all...and that HE loved me enough to send His Son to allow me to spend eternity with Him.  


When all the noise of this world threatens to overwhelm and overtake me...I will choose to listen to the Voice of Truth.


^4-6My dear children, you come from God and belong to God. You have already won a big victory over those false teachers, for the Spirit in you is far stronger than anything in the world. These people belong to the Christ-denying world. They talk the world's language and the world eats it up. But we come from God and belong to God. Anyone who knows God understands us and listens. The person who has nothing to do with God will, of course, not listen to us. This is another test for telling the Spirit of Truth from the spirit of deception.            1 John 4:4-6    The Message

My hope is that when you feel the weight of the world pressing you down...You will look up to The One who offers us our only Real Hope...The One who is The Voice Of Truth.

Wow!  Here I am back again so soon!  Well what do you know about that?  ;)


Okay, if my goal is to be honest here...a confession.  


Hello, my name is Pam...and I am a perfectionist.  Well, maybe a semi-reformed perfectionist.  What does that mean?  If one is the sort of person who Can Not devote 100% of your attention to a friend who is telling you about the wonderful news that their son just landed his dream job, got engaged to his one true love and won the lottery, because there is a picture on the wall behind her that is hanging crooked and you just have to go and straighten it right away--then you, too may be a perfectionist.  If you Can force yourself to look away from the crooked picture and listen attentively to her and respond as expected, but as soon as the moment presents itself you have to run over and straighten that picture--you may be a semi-reformed perfectionist.


How did I get from full-blown perfectionist to semi-reformed perfectionist?  Well, this is just a blog and not a self-help book, so I will try to be as brief as possible. 
1)   I married someone who is the total opposite of a perfectionist.
2)  After years of nagging and griping and near domestic violence situations, God gave me a mirror...and I used it.


Sounds simple enough.  Far from it.  Amazingly enough, the reflection I saw was in my own words.  In one of those "Storm" moments of my life I began communicating with God through written prayers each morning.  Well, if you must know...they were written on a computer screen.  But they were written words, which is my best means of communication.  It started out as a way to remember all the prayer requests that were in my life at the time.  Seeing them written kept them in my mind and on my heart each day.  From there--as I often do--I found myself drifting off into psalms of praise followed by periods of whining and moments of introspection and confession.  


After several weeks of these daily journal devotions, I began to look back over what I had written.  The image was crystal clear.  Here was a person who was totally self-absorbed, self-centered and selfish.  My pleas for others were cloaked in motives for achieving my own desires.  I was appalled, ashamed, convicted.  My prayers began to change into "Mold me, make me into your image".  I began to search for my own ulterior motives in everything I did or said. 


At first, it was a struggle to make the things that I said or did Not be selfishly motivated.  But, after a time I found that it came much more naturally.  It's funny that when I stopped focusing on my own needs and desires that I didn't seem to have as many.  Perfection does not matter so much  after all, because I am the only one who is disturbed by that crooked picture.


Remember that I did say I am a Semi-Reformed perfectionist?  That means it is a never-ending struggle.


 " ^22-24Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like.

 ²⁵But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action.

 ^26-27Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world. James 1:22-25, The Message


Ouch!  The truth is often painful.    It's very easy to walk away from that mirror and forget who I saw there. I am a work-in-progress.

It's been a dreary weekend with gray skies, drizzle and fog and the weather forecast for the week is more of the same, followed by a return of winter cold.  How depressing is that?  I love blue skies, warm breezes and sunshine!  However, I refuse to let the weather control my spirit...so "onward and upward!"  Out of this depression we march!

Anticipation


Perhaps you aren't quite as ancient as I am...but maybe you remember a song by Carly Simon called "Anticipation".  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDJ_Mz8ftqI


"We can never know about the days to comeBut we think about them anywayAnd I wonder if I'm really with you nowOr just chasing after some finer day....Anticipation, AnticipationIs making me late
Is keeping me waiting
And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet, I don't know natures way
So I'll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here, 'cause these are the good old days." 

Does your life ever feel like this?  

Remember when we were children and we couldn't wait to "grow up"?  The promise of adventure and excitement that must be waiting for us when we get old enough to drive, to date, to go places and do things.  First, there will be high school, then college and leaving home to explore the world outside the confines of our parents' rules and strictures.  Then comes job, marriage, families of our own, buying a house and creating our own little life in our corner of the world.  Remember how that all seemed so far away and wonderful?  

That's because we didn't know about the alarm clock that goes off at 5:00 am. The endless influx of bills that never seem to stop. The responsibility of providing insurance for health, home, car and life for your family.  The costs of maintaining and operating a home and cars.  The stress of creating a balance in your life that allows time for your home and family, their activities and commitments, your church family and responsibilites, your parents and extended family, the family pets and how about feeding and clothing your family and maybe a few hours of sleep each day?

That's when we began to dream of the day that our children "grow up".  When they will be old enough to drive themselves to all the places they go.  When they begin to accept responsibilities of their own and relieve some of ours.  That seems like something far away and distant.  We are almost afraid to admit that we might look forward to those days.

Then "Poof!"  It happens.  We wake up one day and realize...we spent so much of our life waiting for the next phase to arrive..."Anticipating" what was yet to come...that tomorrow is finally here. It seems that we have wished half our life away.   Now, what do we "Anticipate"?  

The next question is the scariest one of all..."Why are we still waiting?"  

No...if I am as honest about this as I promised myself I would be..."Why am I still waiting?"  

There's nothing to be gained by dreaming about the past and lamenting days gone by...imagining a different reality and reciting "What ifs".  The real tragedy in this scenario is the stagnant continuation in a sea of "Anticipation".  Like a record needle that is stuck and plays the same track over and over again. "Anticipation, Anticipation is making me late... Is keeping me waiting...".

I need to pull myself out of the muck and mire of "Anticipation" and start this year headed down the road to something that has been waiting for me.  Maybe it was there all this time.  Life got too busy and with blinders on, I missed it.  Ran right by it.  Or maybe, God was preparing me to be ready for it when the time was right.  

I don't know.  I just know that I need to Open the eyes of my Heart and make certain that I don't miss it completely.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. "
Ecclesiastes 3:11-13 NIV

My best hope with any project that I begin--including this blog--is to build momentum and then just let it go.  Like a snowball being pushed down a mountain.  (I know that's not a complete sentence.)  The problem  is the snowball grows in size and gains speed as it travels.  It becomes out of control.  And that's my problem.  Too afraid of getting out of control to just let go...I remain frozen at the top of the hill trying to decide if I should let go and roll or wait for the sun to come out and let me slowly melt into the soil below.  


It feels like I'm just going with the slow, controlled version at the moment.


We Are Family



I’ve been told I come from a long line of folks who like to argue.  Enjoy a good political debate.  Are stimulated by lively discussions about football--or sports, in general.  Can pick apart the finer qualities of Kentucky Fried Chicken when compared to Church’s Chicken.  Or deliberate over the world economy and its relationship to the price of gas.  Here in the South, that’s just our polite way of saying that my family--both sides of it--are about as stubborn, hard-headed and opinionated as a bunch of mules. And we're pretty proud of it.


I acquired the trait honestly.  I've also been told that my auburn-colored hair was a gift of my maternal granddaddy and it's obvious from family photos that my short stature could be  inherited from any number of my antecedents.  In short--haha--I am a short, red-head with a sharp tongue.  My family produced this end result of "Who" I am.  


Whether you fall into the "heredity" or "environment" side of behavioral debate...all must admit that in many ways, our family definitely influences our character development and ultimately "Who" we are.   

In the same way, we should be influenced by our heavenly family ties.  Galatians 3:26-28 tells us:  "For now we are all children of God through faith in Jesus Christ, and we who have been baptized into union with Christ are enveloped by him.  We are no longer Jews or Greeks or slaves or free men or even merely men or women, but we are all the same--we are Christians; we are one in Christ Jesus."  

Also, 1 John 3:1a "See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are."

This means that, as Christians, we are all one big Family!  So what family traits do we inherit?  

• Deuteronomy 10:17 "...the LORD your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords, the great, and the awesome God..."
• Deuteronomy 32: 4 "...all His ways are just; A God of faithfulness and without injustice, Righteous and upright is He."
• Psalm 25: 5 "...you are the God who gives me salvation. I have no hope except in you."
• 1 Corinthians 14:33 "...for God is not a God of confusion but of peace..."
• 1 John 1:5 "...God is light..."
• 1 John 3:3 "...He is pure."
• 1 John 3:5 "...in Him there is no sin."
• 1 John 4:8 "...God is love."

So..."Great, Awesome, Just, Faithful, Righteous, Upright, Savior, Hope, Peace, Light, Pure, Sin-less, Love"...all character traits of our Heavenly Father. If we are His children and we claim this family tie to the world...which of our character traits would He proudly point to and say, "Just like his Father!  Chip off the old block!  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!"  


Just some food for thought as we go about claiming "HE is the reason for the season."  I hope I make my Father proud of me.

Believe it or not...I'm back again.  


Angels Among Us


At this time of year, whether you are Christian or not, there are symbols and icons of the season that are certainly recognizable to all of us.  The jolly old elf, trees, stockings, stars, nativity scenes, shepherds, bells  and angels--to name a few.  Angels feature prominently in the story of Jesus's birth.  First, angels foretold Joseph and Mary of the virgin birth.  Then,  the news of His birth was given to shepherds by an angel, who was then joined by "...a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased.'" (Luke 2:13b-14)  


Perhaps your faith--or lack of faith--does not allow you to believe in this story.  Maybe you doubt the existence of angels and the caution given in Hebrews 13:1-2--"Stay on good terms with each other, held together by love.  Be ready with a meal or a bed when it is needed.  Why some have extended hospitality to angels without ever knowing it!"--The Message//Remix.  


However, I fully believe that God sends angels among us.  Not robed in glowing white, winged and wearing halos--but disguised as one of us.  Listen to my stories with an open mind and then make your final judgement.  


My first encounter with an angel came when I was 16 years old, working my first job at a small florist.  I was making a delivery in the shop's old light blue station wagon.  It was twilight, raining and the windshield wipers did not work.  I made my delivery, ran back through the cold drizzle and began to back out of the narrow gravel driveway.  Somehow, I miscalculated the distance and wound up with the rear axle sitting atop a brick edging between the drive and a drainage ditch.  This was before cell phones and I was standing forlornly in the rain staring at that right tire suspended helplessly above the ditch and wondering what to do when a Plumber's van pulled off the street and a slight, middle-aged man hopped out.  In a matter of minutes, I was safely back on the road and wondering at the kindness of strangers.


My next automotive angel came about 16 years later as I drove my van through morning rush-hour traffic on my way to work.  Flying down the interstate at about 65 mph, smoke began pouring up through my hood, coating my windshield with a film of gray.  I pulled off at the nearest exit into a convenience store.  Once again--before cell phones--so I went inside and asked to use the phone.  I called my husband's office, which was 20 miles from where my crippled van sat.  While I was on the phone, a young man walked into the store and offered his help.  He was a Fed Ex driver and lived near by.  He went to his house to get a part and came back and fixed my van.  I tried my best to pay him or get his contact information to mail him a check.  He would not hear of it.  He just told me that he hoped someone would do the same if his wife needed help.  My heart was touched at the generosity of a total stranger.


My next angelic visitation came from a more familiar face. One Christmas season working retail, I was nearing the end of my day.  I'd spent hours on my feet, helping impatient shoppers, trying to get my department ordered and periodically taking a turn on a cash register.  My nerves were stretched, my blood sugar felt low and a customer had just decided to vent her ire at me because something was not on sale.  The line of waiting shoppers looked at me with sympathy as I fought back tears.  (You have to know...I don't cry that easily.)  Several even shook their heads in disgust or murmured "Unbelievable" at the hysterical woman.  Finally, she left and I turned aside to get a tissue and wipe the tears that were threatening.  There was one of my regular customers standing at the back side of my register with a decorated brown paper bag in her hand.  


"Pam," she said, " I am so sorry for the way that woman behaved.  That was horrible."  The tears were continuing to threaten as I heard the other shoppers echoing her sentiment. "I just felt like you might need a treat today,"  my loyal supporter went on as she held out the bag.  I realized that it was a gift...decorated with the items that she purchased often from my department and tied with a bit of curling ribbon.  Inside was an embroidered tea towel in blue and white.  As I hugged her neck, the tears fell and I knew that God had sent me a gift of hope and encouragement when I needed it most.


I could write a book about the angels that God has sent my way through the years.  Sometimes I don't recognize the angelic aspect of their visit until much later.  Reflecting on the wonder of a kind word, a hug, a phone call, note card or just the kindness of a driver letting me out into traffic when I'm running late...that's when it hits me that God knew how much I needed some hope, encouragement or friendship...and HE provides.  


Reflect on moments in your life when miraculously your needs have been met. It might have been something as simple as a smile and a friendly, "Hello!"  at a moment when your heart was heavy.   Perhaps you will begin to believe in angels, as well.  
Listen to this song by the group Alabama:
http://www.topcountrymusicvideos.com/alabama-angels-among-us/

Appreciating the gift of this day

If you've followed my two previous entries on this blog you probably think I'm constantly in need of encouragement.  When I re-read my own words I think that. Admittedly, some days it seems to be true.  Life has a way of beating us up and kicking us around like that.  However, recently I ran across something I wrote several years ago that has convicted me about my attitude of ingratitude.  (Sounds like a preacher's sermon title, right? ;)




 Here is what I wrote:
"...It's amazing how one moment in time can forever alter your entire life. ...This particular moment, however, is the most life-defining moment I've ever faced.  This moment, which seemed to stretch out into hours and days, brought me to the edge of God's one revelation that is most important to all Christians.  Something we all know, yet refuse to acknowledge daily by the very character of our lifestyles.
                    
                       This life on earth is not what we were made for. 


Our only purpose while we are passing time here is to serve God in whatever ways we can.  Our ultimate destination still lies ahead of us.  It is what matters most in all of eternity.  HE waits for us there with open arms.  Everything that we work to acquire does not add one bit of importance to our eternal lives.  Everything that we have does not count for much when measured by God's standards.  All that matters in God's eyes cannot be seen with human eyes.  It is what--or Who-- resides in our hearts.  It is giving back to HIM ownership of our lives--body and soul.  It means realizing that we never had control of our lives and surrendering our wills to HIS.  It means total and complete trust in whatever comes.


...This will never be an easy road to travel.  We will never achieve perfect harmony and peace for every day of our lives.  We are still human.  This is a life-long struggle to keep God first, above all else.  Daily we must remind ourselves that, whether good or bad, this day is a gift from God..."


And, Here is what preceded that moment:
In September of 2002, my world was turned upside down in a series of moments.  After several hours of waiting in the ER where my husband, Dewayne, thought he was trying to pass a kidney stone, a young doctor's non-chalant words knocked my world off its well-ordered axis.  Here is what I remember hearing him say, "Well Mr Raines, we've got some good news and some bad news.  You definitely don't have kidney stones.  Do you know what lymphoma is?"


Imagine how you'd feel if your heart stopped beating and you knew it.  You can see and hear everything around you but you feel like you are no longer a part of the existence of this world.  You're just standing there watching everything like a scene from a movie.  


Several hours later--as Dewayne lay in a drug-induced sleep--my heart began to beat again, the oxygen began flowing to my brain and conscious  thought returned.  My need to control this situation became apparent to me.  What to go home and say to our children, phone calls to our parents and family, friends, church members, employers...my brain tried to organize the words and prioritize the tasks.  Amazingly, I was even trying to think how I was going to "fix" this whole cancer situation.  Because, up until this point in my life even though I claimed to trust God, my prayers usually centered around trying to tell HIM how to handle my life.  


That evening as I lay across Dewayne's hospital bed, crying and pouring my heart out to GOD, my life forever changed.  No angels appeared.  There wasn't a bright light shining down from heaven.  Merely a small, quiet voice whispered to my heart, "You can't fix this.  But everything will be okay."  In that moment I realized that I did not want to lose this man who is the love of my life...but if I did...how blessed my life had been to have him.  His salvation is sure and if he left me now, we would be together again one day in glory.  I knew in that moment that whatever happened would be God's will and that gave my heart peace.  


If you don't know--the cancer was not lymphoma and Dewayne is in remission now. I am grateful for everyday that we have together.  I am blessed that I found and married my soul mate.  Our lives are in no way perfect...but they are intertwined as our hearts are.  


Though I often need reminding, I have peace because I know who is in control of my life. Each moment is a gift that I may waste or spend wisely.  Daily I struggle with the choices I make.  But today I gratefully continue my journey...


"...By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward--to Jesus.  I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back."  Phil.  3:13-14

So, there was never any doubt for me that sustaining this blog would be a challenge.  I've already said that fear of failure is one of my biggest problems.  It's what has held me back from ever really attempting any serious writing.  I might believe I have the makings of a Mark Twain narrative inside this head...but I don't Truly trust in it.  Nevertheless, here I am again.  Bad grammar and poor punctuation be damned...I'm writing again.

What will I be when I grow up?
A few years back--when I first quit working retail--my friends and I began discussing this phase of our lives that feels so new and fresh in so many ways.  Kids have grown, left the nest and our time and obligations have slowed down a bit.  When so many years were spent cramming endless events and activities into the hours of a day, suddenly free time seems to stretch out before you with new promise.  How to fill those hours with something enjoyable, productive and fulfilling starts out as challenging and exciting.  Yet, after the conversations that my practical, logical brain holds with my creative, adventurous brain...I'm left sitting in front of a computer playing Mahjong Solitaire or in  a recliner with a Sudoku book and a collection of mechanical pencils near at hand.  I still haven't written the next great American novel.  I don't have my B & B.  I haven't scaled any mountains or swam any seas.  I'm still just me.


What happened?  


 Don't get me wrong-- I love the creative work that I am doing now with Etsy.  Finding the cast-offs and trash that others have tossed aside and breathing new life into them is fun and fulfilling for me. First, the dirt, grime and filth is removed.  Sometimes an object just has to wait until I can see what I want it to become.  Then it is primed, painted, sanded, cleaned and sealed.  Even then, if I am not happy with the final result, sometimes I repeat the whole process.  Until finally it's ready to photograph, upload, edit and list for someone else to see the beauty that I see.  Now it is useful and has purpose once again.   Finally, when someone wants my re-creation...there is joy in that for me.  


Maybe these things that I repurpose, recycle and recreate are analogies of my own life.  The catch is I feel that I have the control over them.  I can take something that is dirty, beat-up and ugly and turn it into something that looks new and beautiful again.  Something that was destined for the landfill is now attractive and useful. 


Me?  I don't have the control over the events that shape my future.  Or that's the way it feels.  Mortgage payments, car repairs, aging parents, beetles in the garden, weeds in the flower beds, trees that need trimming, a world that is too demanding...what happened to that promise of free time and fresh beginnings?  Suddenly life becomes overwhelming and dreams become distant memories.


I learned several years ago--after much head-banging and whining--that I can't have control over every aspect of my life.  I'm good with that.  God created me and I belong to Him.  I'm good with that.  Does that mean that the cleaning, priming and purifying processes that I must go through are easy?  Of course not.  Is the scheduling as I would like it?  Definitely not.  But must I trust the One who holds me in His hands as He completes His work?  Faithfully.


If I truly claim His promise in Jeremiah 29:11  "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for good and not for evil to give you a future and a hope.'"...then I have to trust the Master artisan.  I am His and He knows what is best to repurpose, recycle and recreate me into a useful and beautiful object that can serve some further purpose in this life.  And so I wait.