Wow!  Here I am back again so soon!  Well what do you know about that?  ;)


Okay, if my goal is to be honest here...a confession.  


Hello, my name is Pam...and I am a perfectionist.  Well, maybe a semi-reformed perfectionist.  What does that mean?  If one is the sort of person who Can Not devote 100% of your attention to a friend who is telling you about the wonderful news that their son just landed his dream job, got engaged to his one true love and won the lottery, because there is a picture on the wall behind her that is hanging crooked and you just have to go and straighten it right away--then you, too may be a perfectionist.  If you Can force yourself to look away from the crooked picture and listen attentively to her and respond as expected, but as soon as the moment presents itself you have to run over and straighten that picture--you may be a semi-reformed perfectionist.


How did I get from full-blown perfectionist to semi-reformed perfectionist?  Well, this is just a blog and not a self-help book, so I will try to be as brief as possible. 
1)   I married someone who is the total opposite of a perfectionist.
2)  After years of nagging and griping and near domestic violence situations, God gave me a mirror...and I used it.


Sounds simple enough.  Far from it.  Amazingly enough, the reflection I saw was in my own words.  In one of those "Storm" moments of my life I began communicating with God through written prayers each morning.  Well, if you must know...they were written on a computer screen.  But they were written words, which is my best means of communication.  It started out as a way to remember all the prayer requests that were in my life at the time.  Seeing them written kept them in my mind and on my heart each day.  From there--as I often do--I found myself drifting off into psalms of praise followed by periods of whining and moments of introspection and confession.  


After several weeks of these daily journal devotions, I began to look back over what I had written.  The image was crystal clear.  Here was a person who was totally self-absorbed, self-centered and selfish.  My pleas for others were cloaked in motives for achieving my own desires.  I was appalled, ashamed, convicted.  My prayers began to change into "Mold me, make me into your image".  I began to search for my own ulterior motives in everything I did or said. 


At first, it was a struggle to make the things that I said or did Not be selfishly motivated.  But, after a time I found that it came much more naturally.  It's funny that when I stopped focusing on my own needs and desires that I didn't seem to have as many.  Perfection does not matter so much  after all, because I am the only one who is disturbed by that crooked picture.


Remember that I did say I am a Semi-Reformed perfectionist?  That means it is a never-ending struggle.


 " ^22-24Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like.

 ²⁵But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action.

 ^26-27Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world. James 1:22-25, The Message


Ouch!  The truth is often painful.    It's very easy to walk away from that mirror and forget who I saw there. I am a work-in-progress.

It's been a dreary weekend with gray skies, drizzle and fog and the weather forecast for the week is more of the same, followed by a return of winter cold.  How depressing is that?  I love blue skies, warm breezes and sunshine!  However, I refuse to let the weather control my spirit...so "onward and upward!"  Out of this depression we march!

Anticipation


Perhaps you aren't quite as ancient as I am...but maybe you remember a song by Carly Simon called "Anticipation".  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDJ_Mz8ftqI


"We can never know about the days to comeBut we think about them anywayAnd I wonder if I'm really with you nowOr just chasing after some finer day....Anticipation, AnticipationIs making me late
Is keeping me waiting
And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet, I don't know natures way
So I'll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here, 'cause these are the good old days." 

Does your life ever feel like this?  

Remember when we were children and we couldn't wait to "grow up"?  The promise of adventure and excitement that must be waiting for us when we get old enough to drive, to date, to go places and do things.  First, there will be high school, then college and leaving home to explore the world outside the confines of our parents' rules and strictures.  Then comes job, marriage, families of our own, buying a house and creating our own little life in our corner of the world.  Remember how that all seemed so far away and wonderful?  

That's because we didn't know about the alarm clock that goes off at 5:00 am. The endless influx of bills that never seem to stop. The responsibility of providing insurance for health, home, car and life for your family.  The costs of maintaining and operating a home and cars.  The stress of creating a balance in your life that allows time for your home and family, their activities and commitments, your church family and responsibilites, your parents and extended family, the family pets and how about feeding and clothing your family and maybe a few hours of sleep each day?

That's when we began to dream of the day that our children "grow up".  When they will be old enough to drive themselves to all the places they go.  When they begin to accept responsibilities of their own and relieve some of ours.  That seems like something far away and distant.  We are almost afraid to admit that we might look forward to those days.

Then "Poof!"  It happens.  We wake up one day and realize...we spent so much of our life waiting for the next phase to arrive..."Anticipating" what was yet to come...that tomorrow is finally here. It seems that we have wished half our life away.   Now, what do we "Anticipate"?  

The next question is the scariest one of all..."Why are we still waiting?"  

No...if I am as honest about this as I promised myself I would be..."Why am I still waiting?"  

There's nothing to be gained by dreaming about the past and lamenting days gone by...imagining a different reality and reciting "What ifs".  The real tragedy in this scenario is the stagnant continuation in a sea of "Anticipation".  Like a record needle that is stuck and plays the same track over and over again. "Anticipation, Anticipation is making me late... Is keeping me waiting...".

I need to pull myself out of the muck and mire of "Anticipation" and start this year headed down the road to something that has been waiting for me.  Maybe it was there all this time.  Life got too busy and with blinders on, I missed it.  Ran right by it.  Or maybe, God was preparing me to be ready for it when the time was right.  

I don't know.  I just know that I need to Open the eyes of my Heart and make certain that I don't miss it completely.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. "
Ecclesiastes 3:11-13 NIV